I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real