Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
this is literally a CIA plant
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
scrabbled eggs
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?