“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Breaking news:
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy