No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me checking my bank balance online.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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