This hospital has everything
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.