Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Just grow your own
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.