me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
79.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I’m tired tomorrow.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.