Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My dad.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭