me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
You Might Also Like
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
ok this is my dumbest yet
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Unimpressed
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush