*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
it’s finally my moment to shine
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.