I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”