Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!