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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.