I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
my proudest tweet
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog