You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
what does he know…
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to