[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
m’lady
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
man: wait
time: no
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you