January is lasting longer than my marriage
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣