Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.