Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….