I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.