Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Thinking about Jeff
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.