Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Monday
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.