Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
This could be us… but you playing
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.