If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
All set.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.