While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
somebody come look at this
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.