Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
bugs when you lift up a rock
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”