Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*sewing*
A thread
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Never forget.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway