My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.