Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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When youâre dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Iâm convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you donât have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me: Iâm pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because thereâs a baby inside me
Still my favorite headline of all time:
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
âDid he just do that by himself?â đš đ đ
đ Sound up
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Itâs password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if itâs strong.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that âleg day.â
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasnât shown up in two weeks.
Iâm not worried tho. Iâm sure heâll resurface one day.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a âBig Blowout Saleâ???
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. đđđ
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My husband didnât have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it âbecause it will be fun!â and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husbandâs Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: thatâs not what I said
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.