Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”