To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.