Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour