Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
i baked you a cake
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?