YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
based al yankovic