“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.