Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*updates tinder bio*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab