Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
accurate
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.