Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
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Terribly Tuesday.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
People buying plungers never look happy.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.