[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My favorite female superhero
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so