a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids