For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.