My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
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There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ