translated into Canadian
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille