Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.