How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Those are good neighbors.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*