DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
taking June’s advice to heart
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
When you’re here for the treats.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.