If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
john wicks are toilet candles
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
forgive me baja for i have blast
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.