SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare