business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
the clam before the storm
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
How did we not see this back then?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]