My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.